It’s probably when I see something that he would have liked, and want to call or SMS that I notice he’s not reachable anymore.
I’m still sad: for my loss, really. It’s all his gain, now. In his case, the expression “gone to a better place” isn’t just some sappy rhetoric, but a certainty: probably the first time I’ve felt that certainty for someone no longer around.
Most of the tendencies I’ve had this past week to try and apportion blame, while seeing myself as completely blameless have now blown over. Most of the inappropriate things I’ve had to say have been said, but to people who don’t mind listening to me go on about it.
So now, it’s more a case of smiling – a little bit forced, but not as tough as the week before – when I see or hear something that reminds me of his life. Everyone has good points and bad points, and ultimately it seems better to remember the good than the bad. We had a lot of years together. It’s time to be thankful for that, and try to move on.